Greetings, Gratefuls!
MK here with our new abbreviated Key-Mail. From now on, there will only be one article per Key-Mail rather than three! If you'd like more, go to www.8toGreat.com and sign up for our Parent/Educator article on the products page. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to cover in an upcoming Key-Mail, write to us at mk@mkmueller.com. Injoy!

You may be deceived if you trust too much,
but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
- Frank Crane

Recently a dear friend of mine and I had a "spat." You know, one of those, "Could you please back off?" kind of conversations where tempers flare a bit too hot? I was just finishing up my Middle School and High School Handbook series and juggling life with a couple of deadlines. I will be the first to admit, I was running on empty and my fuse was short.

Immediately after "barking" at her, I felt both relief and regret. I realized I did need to vent, but that, of course, she was just a symbol of the pressure I was putting on myself, and definitely not the problem.

When I wrote her an email apologizing, she was totally cool with it. Our friendship picked up the next day as though nothing had happened. Except something had. We were now closer because we had built more trust.

I certainly do not claim to be an expert on trust. I have many times trusted men too soon, allowed my heart to convince my head I was "in love," and been rudely awakened down the road. One of my fondest memories of falling in love actually took six months. I thought of him only as a friend all that time, as we shared about our hopes and dreams. By the time he told me of his romantic feelings for me, our trust was rock solid.

So, as I prepared an activity for my students on trust, I took my own trust inventory. Who do I trust? How much? Why?

I came up with some warning signs of who I don't trust first. (I suggest you make your own list before reading mine.)

I don't trust someone:
- Who comes on too strong trying to sell a product or their affections. They seem desperate, and my question is, "What's the rush?"
- Who, as I'm getting to know them, feels a need to tell me all their troubles from their last job, relationship, etc.
- Who ...I know I'll get cards and letters on this one...smokes. It's only my experience, but when hiring or befriending smokers it seems that just when they're about to tell me what they're really feeling, they go light up (fume) instead. Remember, this is not the list, it's my list.
 

So then I had to ask myself, who do I trust? And how does that trust grow and deepen? I believe there are 5 stages of trust.

I trust someone when:
Stage 1: They take time to get to know me with no signs of an urgent timetable.
Stage 2: They commit to spending time with me over weeks/months and keep their commitments.
Stage 3: They are open about their lifestyle and want to know about mine, whether that's introducing each other to friends and family, inviting each other to share our favorite past-times or sharing spiritual rituals together.
Stage 4: They are there for me through hard times. With my work, there are times when I have very little to give to anything but work. My closest friends and family members know that if a phone call or card is missed, it isn't because I don't love them. My dearest friends are aware of those times and ask, "How can I help?" They know when the time comes, I'll return the favor.
Stage 5: We have had a major disagreement and recover. I have many acquaintance- friends who I will never have an argument with. Not because we don't disagree, but because we've both decided that we aren't invested enough in the relationship to make disagreeing worthwhile.

When a friend shares with me that they're upset with me, or vise-versa, it is a huge signal that the relationship is solid. We trust each other enough to be completely honest while knowing that we won't leave the relationship at the first sign of trouble.
Of course, the "and recover" part is harder than it sounds. To recover fully means that neither of us will hold our disagreement against each other in the future - no small promise. We each own our part in the rift and make an effort to make things right again.

To trust yourself is the first sign of success.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Perhaps the greatest lesson about trust for me has been to trust my gut in relationships both personal and professional. At the end of my inventory, I know I have learned this lesson well, not because I am not occasionally "blind-sided" by a con artist, but because the friends and professional associates with whom I live and work every day are, beyond a doubt, ones I could trust with my life. My desire for you is that you can say the same.

Blessings,
MK

For the 8 to Great 20-minute activity on TRUST for parents and teachers of 6th-12th graders, sign up at www.8toGreat.com on the Products page under "Free Monthly Activity" or contact us at mkmueller@aol.com.